From People Pleasing to Peace Seeking: Boundary setting for Nepali millennials & Gen-Z

In a culture that glorifies sacrifice and silence, Nepali millennials and Gen-Z are learning to set boundaries without guilt. This piece explores how shifting from people-pleasing to peace-seeking improves mental health, honors cultural roots, and redefi

What does ‘people pleasing’ look like in a typical Nepali household or workplace, and why is it so normalized?

In Nepali households and workplaces, people often try to make others happy by saying “yes” to requests, even if it means neglecting their own needs especially when it comes to elders, seniors, or authority figures. You might notice this in avoiding conflict, doing too much work, or holding back opinions to keep things smooth. These habits are shaped by cultural values such as honoring hierarchy, a concern about losing face (badnaam), and traditional gender roles, particularly for women. While this tendency helps maintain harmony in our relationships, it can sometimes lead to stress, burnout, and feeling less authentic. It’s important to remember that while being accommodating is kind, true respect also means setting healthy boundaries for ourselves.

 

How do generational expectations in Nepali families impact our ability to say ‘no’ or set personal boundaries?

In Nepali families, respecting elders and making sacrifices are super important, especially for women. So, it can be tough to say ‘no’ or set boundaries because people think it’s disrespectful. Saying ‘no’ can also make you feel guilty or worried about being judged. The culture values family harmony over personal needs, so setting boundaries often feels like betraying your family. This can lead to a lot of stress and make it hard to be true to yourself. But here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t disrespectful. They’re healthy and necessary for your well-being.

 

Is setting boundaries seen as selfish or disrespectful in our culture? How can we reframe this narrative?

Yes, in Nepali culture, setting boundaries is often seen as selfish or disrespectful, especially when it challenges traditional family roles, gender norms, or expectations of obedience. Saying “no” can be misunderstood as rejecting your duty, being ungrateful, or acting “too modern.” This is especially true for women, who are often expected to adjust, sacrifice, and stay silent.

 

“Boundaries are not walls, they are bridges built with clarity and care.” We can start by modeling healthy communication, encouraging mutual respect, and showing that saying “no” can deepen trust not destroy it.

 

In a society where ‘ramro manche’ is often defined by how much you sacrifice, how do you unlearn that mindset?

In our society, being a “ramro manche” (good person) often means putting others first, staying quiet, adjusting endlessly, and never saying “no.” Sacrifices are celebrated, while self-care is often labeled selfish. Over time, this mindset can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-identity. I believe people are conditioned to do this since childhood and think it’s okay, even though it can create challenges for some.

 

To break free from this mindset, start by redefining what it means to be good—someone who is kind and has boundaries. Learn to recognize guilt without letting it control you, and see rest and self-care as strengths, not selfishness. Openly discuss these shifts, and find or become role models who live with balance. True goodness includes taking care of yourself too.

 

What are some subtle yet effective ways to establish emotional boundaries without causing conflict in tight-knit family setups?

 

    1.    Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming others.

    2.    Delay tough talks by suggesting a better time instead of outright refusing.

    3.    Gently change the topic when conversations feel too personal or draining.

    4.    Buy time by saying “I’ll think about it” instead of giving an instant yes.

    5.    Limit your emotional availability by responding on your terms.

    6.    Create personal rituals that signal your need for space (like solo tea time).

      7. Use light humor to set boundaries without creating tension.

 

For people who feel guilty after setting a boundary, what are some affirmations or reminders that help you stay grounded?

 

Affirmations

    3.    “I can be kind and still have limits.”

    4.    “I am not responsible for other people’s reactions.”

    6.    “My needs are just as important as anyone else’s.”

    7.    “It’s not selfish to protect my peace, it’s wise.”

    8.    “Choosing myself is not a betrayal, it’s an act of self-respect.”

 

Gentle Reminders:

 

    1.    Guilt is a habit, not a warning. Feeling bad doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

    2.    You protect your energy by setting boundaries.

    3.    Boundaries teach people how to love you better.

    4.    Short-term guilt is the price for long-term peace.

    5.    It’s okay if others need time to adjust; that’s not your failure.

 

How do we teach the younger generation (Gen Alpha) to assert boundaries in a respectful yet confident manner?

Children learn by observing adults. Demonstrate how to assert your boundaries or politely request space. Parents can teach children healthy boundaries by modeling respectful limits themselves and using simple phrases to help children express their needs. Encourage children to recognize their emotions and practice saying no through role-playing. Praise their efforts, explain that boundaries are a form of kindness, and remind them to respect others’ boundaries as well.

 

From your own experience, how does shifting from people pleasing to peace seeking improve mental health and self-worth?
Shifting from people-pleasing to peace-seeking is like moving from constant exhaustion to steady calm and from self-doubt to self-respect. It helps to:

 

    •    Reduces stress and burnout by honoring your limits.

    •    Builds genuine relationships by being authentic.

    •    Lowers anxiety by letting go of others’ expectations.

    •    Increases self-respect and self-kindness.

    •    Helps handle conflict calmly and confidently.

    •    Creates inner peace that strengthens overall well-being.

 

In short, it’s not about pleasing less, it’s about living more fully and authentically, with peace inside that radiates outwards.

 

True kindness doesn’t come from saying yes to everyone, it comes from saying yes to yourself first. Letting go of people-pleasing isn’t selfish. It’s self-respect. And that’s the healthiest thing you can give to yourself and the people around you.